I never expected to be trapped in a mourning silo–alone/sola. I can sigh in Hebrew, Spanish and English, just in case you are wondering? It all sounds the same. There standing as a daughter/hija, mother/madre, sister/hermana, cousin/prima, and friend/amiga, a Catholic priest waits patiently for me to complete my eulogy in church, yet I long to mourn as a Jew.
The priest had told my sister we should be quick and keep our speeches short. Smiling/y con una sonriza, I said, “Let’s talk for at least two hours each! I walked to the altar/not a bimah, without any notes in my hands, without knowing what I would say other than I wanted to reclaim Shiva in my way/mi manera, for my mother/mi madre/imah sheli, and for me/para mi. The mariachis played their last notes….silence embraced everyone. Honestly folks, I didn’t even know mariachis was a “thing” in Mexican funerals!
“There is a Hebrew saying, “Que su memoria sea una bendición/may her memory be a blessing.” I would like to share a memory that is truly a blessing. At age 12, I was sitting on the floor in my living room reading a book about Egyptian hieroglyphs. I saw the Tutankhamun exhibit in L.A. and was thrilled to learn that you could get paid to conduct research, surround yourself with endless amounts of books, and learn as an adult! My mother had asked me what I was doing. Learning hieroglyphs Mama! Even though these figures made no sense.
Her love glowed in her smile and voice, ok Mija/my daughter. I asked her if she needed help bringing in the groceries from the car, and without hesitating she firmly said NO! Your job is not in there – as she pointed to the kitchen, ese no es tu trabajo/that is not your job! Your job is doing what you are doing now, Estar Con Tus Libros/being with your books and learning. I had never thought of “Estando Con Mis Libros” as equal to ESTANDO con mis amigos o, familia/being with my friends or family). In her own way and by her own tranquil/tranquelia, determination – She Set Me Free. “Que su memoria sea una bendición/may her memory be a blessing.”
Now as I pause and think about the day (penso en ese dia), that I received a text telling me my mother was ill, yo Estaba Con Mis/I was with my 14 million books/libros and maps/mapas de Mexico and Mesoamerica in Oxford, England, where I was doing my research/Estaba Hacienda Mi Trabajo.
It’s in these in–between spaces of being Jewish and Mexicana, that I remember my mother/mi madre and her stepping aside so I could continue to live “una vida completa en paz/a full life in peace.” The essence of the end of the Mourner’s Kaddish, “Oseh Shalom Bimromav, Hu Ya’aseh Shalom Aleinu, Ve’al Kol Yisrael (V’al Kol Yoshvei Tevel), V’imru: Amen May God, who makes peace in the highest realms, bring peace upon us and upon all Israel (and upon all the inhabitants of the world); and say, Amen.” My appreciation for mi madre/my mom/imah sheli, and identities are based on the strength of the in–between spaces/entre los differente espacios, where you nourish the best of all worlds in peace. I can smile in all languages just in case you are wondering.
This piece was written and performed by Luz as part of “La Mariposa,” an evening of Latin and Jewish storytelling organized by Be’chol Lashon and Jewtina y Co..
